Forgiveness is for you

You ever drive down the road and a rude driver cuts you off, and proceeds to flip you off just for good measure?
Do you get mad?
I don’t. I learned a long time ago that if I were to get mad, that would raise my blood pressure and affect my health, possibly ruining my day. And the other driver? He just goes merrily on his way and forgets all about you. Your anger is misdirected, it doesn’t hurt him, it hurts YOU.

My point?

The point is that becoming angry or staying angry affects you. Anger turns to bitterness, which turns to ill health, stress, and other issues.

Learning forgiveness is a true process. It does not occur the day you decide to forgive. However, it comes in time, and everyone can learn how to forgive. Try forgiving someone today. Just make up your mind to forgive, and then begin the work on releasing that anger.

The fallout from an affair

The fallout is really the children, isn’t it? I’m a big girl, I can handle the pain and heartache and disappointment. I can choose to get up early and run to burn off the stress hormones, or sit in bed with the covers pulled up, my dogs cuddling close, and a pint of Haagen Dazs in one hand and a glass of Riesling in the other.

The kids, now they suffer.

My husband is so blind to what he’s doing that he actually thinks they do not realize he’s sleeping in the living room. We joke and call his secret phone the “bat phone” – although bath phone would be more like it – since he’ll go in the bathroom, and suddenly “have to leave.”

The truth is, they hurt. The truth is, this stinks for them. The truth is, I cry for them as often as for my own pain and heartache.

I can detach, I can get a life and move on, keeping the door cracked for when my husband decides to return and do the hard work to restore our marriage.

The children can not put their growth on hold. My stepdaughter will only have one sweet sixteen that Daddy will not come to. My stepson will only have one chance to spend time with his dad learning lessons and getting advice before going off to Canada with the boy scouts for a two week long exciting trip – and instead their dad has been gone all week. That’s right, an entire week, unless you count the hour he spent with him at boy scouts on Wednesday.

Do they notice that while they are down south visiting their mom that their dad never calls (because as he told his mother, he’s taking a “mini vacation” from his kids) – Oh yeah, they notice. And it hurts. It cuts them deeply.

Does he notice?

No.

Which is what I really wonder about. How crazy is he right now. I know the chemicals in their brains are causing them to act this way, but how much of that can be blamed on that and how much is something else?

I see a psychiatrist on the 10th of August to find out. He knows about MLC, and I’m hoping he will share some insights from his 32 years in the field that may help me out with these questions.

Because the truth is, sometimes I really worry for his sanity.

Bomb Drop

Looking back, mid life crisis can almost always be seen sneaking up on us. I should have seen the signs, I thought to myself in the beginning. In retrospect, I DID see the signs, but did not recognize them for what they were.

He was withdrawing from the family and from me. He wanted to stay out in the garage, or at our three family house with the empty apartment. I would go out to say dinner was ready and he would slam something and get upset, thinking I was trying to stop him from finding joy because I was always finding him while he was “out there.” But he forgot that he was always “out there” so where else would I be finding him?

He began painting the empty apartment and staying late at night. Then he stayed over night once. I didn’t want to be accused of mothering him, so I didn’t say anything. I was walking on eggshells, something all spouses of MLC wind up learning about. I would call in the morning and he would make some lame excuse about falling asleep and his legs being asleep. If I didn’t call him, he’d miss work. I was mothering him… but convincing myself that I was letting go. I was only half way there.

He became moodier and moodier. I became suspicious about his nights away. Little by little, although she was not there in the beginning, I discovered that his OW was staying there with him. He was having an affair. Again.

Great.

It didn’t start that way, though, it started with him needing space. That seems to be common to mid life crisis. They need space, they feel trapped, they panic and run away. My husband ran away to get space, but found that space in the arms of another woman. Also common. They say they want to be alone to find themselves, but that “alone” and “finding themselves” means committing infidelity.

If you find yourself here, dear reader, you must now make the hard choice. Does infidelity mean my marriage is over?

To me, it does not. She is a band-aid, she is covering up his wounds. His wounds are festering beneath the band-aid. He needs to let air get at it, but he won’t. She has been around since February, probably physical since March. That makes just about 3 months of an affair. By all counts, this should last 6-24 months. She’s not going anywhere.

Great. Again.

So, what can you do? You can work on you and forget about him.

Forget about your husband that is sleeping with another woman? Planning to marry her? Saying she is his “soul mate” and he’s never been able to feel like this with anyone else before? Yes, forget about her, forget about his actions. Work on you.

Because at the end of this, the only thing you will have is  you. You are the one constant in your life. Other than the Lord God, that is.

At the end of this, you save yourself and potentially save your marriage by recognizing that the OW is nothing to him, she will disappear like tissue paper in a torrent of water – eventually.

My husband started planning their marriage after the affair went physical. He doesn’t even know her, but because they went to high school together and sat at the same lunch table (and never talked) a few times, she had the nerve to tell me that she has known him for longer than I have and thus knows him better. She’s known him for TWENTY FIVE YEARS (say it in your mind with a shrill voice. That’s how it was delivered to me) and I’ve only been with him for a measly twelve years. Twelve years of living day in and day out with him, sleeping besides him, working at the same company, raising his children, taking vacation together, dreaming our dreams and building our lives together… all of this erased by her massive, life long friendship of 25 years. Never mind that they never spoke in that length of time, never mind they maybe said two words to each other those long 25 years ago… she told me that I do not know my husband the way she does.

Does that sound like someone I should be worrying about? LOLOL – naw.

Immediate help – links and book recommendations

I wanted to post a link to a few sites that can immediately begin to help anyone reading this who may need immediate help and direction or support. PLEASE if you are a person who’s spouse is going through midlife crisis, or even if you suspect YOU may be going through, visit her site. Read everything she has on there. She’s very well researched, and there is a great forum there. While the forum is new at the time of this writing – in 2010 – there are still some great people on there and some great advice to be had.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

Secondarily, please read the book The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, and spend some time on her site as well, which is http://www.divorcebusting.com There is a midlife crisis section that is excellent.

With apologies to a very great woman (great because she, like me, does not believe in divorce excepting some very specific instances, like abuse, and she is doing something about it with an online ministry) I’m going to steal her book list because honestly, it’s become my booklist as well. I’ve read most of the books on here at this point and this list is just perfect as it is. I’m admitting this is not mine, it belongs to http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/linksandbooks.html and is the property of that sites owner. Many of these books may be difficult to get in a bookstore, but you can find them online at http://www.half.com or http://www.amazon.com

Book Recommendations
Purple: Highly Recommended
Midlife Crisis
Brehony, Kathleen A. Awakening At Midlife. New York: Riverhead Books, 1996.
Brewi, Janice and Anne Brennan. Mid-Life Psychological and Spiritual Perspectives. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company, 1982.
– Mid-Life Spirituality and Jungian Archetypes. York Beach, Maine: Nicolas-Hays, 1988.
– Mid-Life Directions: Praying and Playing Sources of New Dynamism. New York: Paulist Press, 1985.
Jungian: The Brewi/Brennan books are excellent. But try Murray Stein or James Hollis first as they are shorter.
Conway, Jim. Men in Midlife Crisis. Colorado Springs: Cook Communications Ministries, Rev ed., 1997.
An excellent starter for an MLCer or a Stander. Christian based, Jim Conway is a minister.
Conway, Jim and Sally. Your Marriage Can Survive Mid-Life Crisis. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publisheres, 1987
Conway, Sally. You and Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis. Elgin IL: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1980.
– Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis. Elgin IL: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1980.
Courter, Gay and Pat Gaudette. How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club.
This book is like a primer for the Midlife Wives Club website; it is filled with information from the woman who have experienced their spouse’s midlife crises.
Gerzon, Mark. Listening to Midlife: Turning Your Crisis Into A Quest. Boston: Shambhala, 1996.
I have not read this book yet, but it seems geared toward a person who is accepting the transition and searching for answers rather than running away.
Hollis, James. The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife. Toronto Canada: Inner City Books, 1993.
Jungian: A definite favourite of mine, and short—around 100 pages.
Johnson, Robert A. He: Understanding Masculine Psychology. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1989.
Jungian: This is not specifically about MLC, but about male psychology. It is around 100 pages and a quick read.
Mayer, Nancy. The Male Mid-Life Crisis: Fresh Starts After 40. Garden City, New York: Doubleday, 1978.
I found this at my local library and had to special order a used copy. It’s an excellent look at MLC, though it does not talk about marital relationships and some of the information is grossly out-dated. She references evidence about the possibility of better chances for 2nd marriages; evidence now shows 2nd marriages will have a greater likelihood to end in divorce than first marriages.
O’Connor, Peter A. Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis. New York: Paulist Press, 1988.
Jungian: Excellent! A must have. Hard to find; I had to special order it used.
Stein, Murray. In Midlife. Putnam CT: Spring Publications, 1983.
Jungian: I loved this. It is what I used to describe the stages. The first one or two chapters are pretty dense; it gets less dense after that, so stick through it. Relatively short—100-200 pages.
Whyte, David. Midlife and the Great Unknown [UNABRIDGED] (Audio CD). Louisville, CO: Sounds True; Unabridged edition, 2003.
David Whyte is a poet. This is a beautiful collection. It is not a poetry reading but a discussion in which he integrates poetry.

Midlife crisis takes time

I re-read my last post and wanted to make it clear that I am not in any way trying to rationalize my husband leaving his first wife. Instead, my point was that he convinced me – true or not – that he was going to leave her anyway. The problem is, now I am the spouse, and he’s used the same line on me in reverse. That he’s been unhappy for years and was going to leave me anyway… and SHE has nothing to do with it. Only she does. Now I see the truth for what it is and was back then. That hurts. I’ve asked forgiveness from the Lord, and I ask you, reader, if you feel like passing judgment that you first take into consideration that the Father has forgiven me, and I’ve forgiven myself.

Midlife crisis takes time. The average midlife crisis takes two to seven years. The good news is that it is often approximately at midway by the time bomb drop occurs. Things were brewing under the surface for some time before it became apparent to us… a fact I tried to get across in my last post.

Midlife crisis takes time. This is a mantra I want you to learn if you are going to come out the other side. No, not “unscathed.” We will all be affected through this. The person going through midlife crisis is deeply changed on a level you just can’t fathom in the beginning. However, even the left out spouse is changed. Something fundamentally changes throughout this crisis. You see, although the midlifer “leaves” their spouse behind… this is a crisis that both must navigate. The paths may be separate at first, but they will intersect at points, and eventually converge at the end.

At a point in the beginning when I was floundering, looking around for ways to change my lot in life, to bring my husband BACK, the Lord put a song in my head.

I know it was the Lord, in ways that those of us who walk with Him just will understand. Time is on my side, yes it is. Time is on my side, yes it is… you’ll come running back… you know the song. That was His way of letting me know that there is NOTHING I can do except work on myself.

That’s what this is really about, dear readers.

This is a time for you to take care of YOU and leave your midlifer alone. That’s something they need right now. There is nothing you can do for them. Their crisis is a personal crisis and it’s between the Father and them. I know, I know, you want to help, or you’re angry. You can’t see how it could NOT be about you.

But I promise, it isn’t. It’s about them.

And although the Lord has joined us together, we are NOT one person. We are two separate people, and your spouse has a God given right to free will. Right now, their will does not involve you.

It hurts, I know. I’m sorry. I’m hurting also.

The very best thing you can do for yourself, for your spouse, for your family, for your marriage – if you want the chance to rebuild one day – and yes, even for the Lord himself is to work on YOU.

Take those things about yourself you don’t like, and change them. Begin to make YOU happy. It is literally the only way to survive this and come out the other side whole.

In the end, your midlifer is going to be torn down through this crisis, torn down to the ground. They will then rebuild themselves bigger and better. Hopefully walking with the Father through the rebuilding process, as He knows how to do this best. If you want a chance to renew your marriage, you have to present a bigger, better spouse to come home to.

First of all, yes, I’ll say it over and over – is forgiveness. You MUST forgive. God demands it. Forgiveness is for you, as well as your spouse. Do not let bitterness eat at your heart.

Forgiveness is first, growth is second. Perhaps you need a closer walk with the Lord, to go back to school, begin charity work, spend more time with your children or grandchildren, find yourself by climbing a mountain, or to lose weight. Whatever it is, begin now. Make a commitment to do so, write it down so that it’s set on paper.

Come on, we can do this TOGETHER.

The beginnings of the affair

So, my husband began this whole midlife crisis when he began to withdraw from the family. He seemed to need to be alone. However, I didn’t get it and I would pursue him. I wish I knew then what I know now. It’s hard to see someone you love withdrawing and not want to pursue and find out what is wrong with them.

In November, he had his high school reunion. I introduced him to a woman there that he wound up spending the whole night with. Stupid, stupid, stupid. After that night, we went to breakfast in the hotel and then went to say goodbye to his friends. He made a comment to me that stuck. We knocked on the hotel room door and the room they all stayed in was a mess of alcohol bottles and cigarettes. It looked like teenagers had partied there. There were multiple men and women in bed and on the floor, just crashed everywhere. Exactly like a high school party room. And my husband, this man I thought I knew, said he wished he had been able to stay with them, it looked like fun. In retrospect, the unease I felt at that comment should have been my wakeup.

Shortly after that, he began to stay at an empty apartment he was supposed to be fixing up and getting ready to rent. He stayed over there every Monday. I would call in the morning and make sure he had woken up and was getting ready to come home to get ready for work. Later I found out that is where he was meeting this “friend” he was seeing. From what I can tell, it started off as just friends but pretty quickly became physical. She started staying over there and my tenants were in the tough position of having to hide what they knew. Not cool.

I began to suspect after we had a party around the holidays and she showed up with her husband. My husband sat on the couch with her, but that’s wasn’t it… it was when I made a silly comment and they both together ganged up on me and laughed at me. That hurt. And I knew then that something was suspicious.

You see, my husband has had affairs before. He had one on me back in 2003 for about two years. He claims that one was only emotional, but I have my suspicions that it was more than that.

And I was an affair.

He told me that he had left his wife and I believed him, but looking back at it, the signs were there. I was young and dumb and should have seen the clues. Like the one time that we had gone to a work Christmas party, as we worked together, and he invited me to his house. A few days later, he called me and I drove out there in a snow storm to his house. His wife was not home, and he jumped every time he heard a noise. It became clear to me that he was doing something she would not approve of. I thought we were just friends, but it became weird quick and I left about 10 minutes later. It was 10 months later before he would tell me that he was leaving his wife and had feelings for me. He convinced me that he never loved her, she tricked him into marriage by getting pregnant (a fact she later confirmed, so that was not a lie) and that they were getting divorced regardless of what happened between us. So, against my better judgment, I said OK. I tried to get him to date other women in between, but that didn’t happen.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because it shows an in to my husband’s mind. Maybe the mind of your spouse. This is how they operate. This is what they do, what they say, how they act. I know, I was there when his first marriage ended. I am convinced now that he never would have left his first wife unless I came along. Or someone like me. My husband needs to have someone there, he needs external validation to tell him he’s alright. He can’t just be himself, he needs to be him plus whomever he is with.

The problem in our marriage is that I am an individual. I did not need him. He tried to fix me, but I was not broken. He said that when he was emotionally divorcing me. He said that he tried for years to MAKE me happy, but I just never was. Which was ridiculous, because I am one of those people that just oozes happy and sunshine, always smiling, always joyful. I’m that way because I know happiness comes from within, I make my own joy. He’s now seeking a way to become joyful, but again, he thinks a woman will do that for him. Until he finds it within himself, he will keep running. He’ll never find what cannot be.

Sketch of a midlife crisis

I am a 38 year old woman, and my husband is in a midlife crisis.

Now, I know what that likely says to you. You instantly started thinking of a man with tight clothes, a comb over or dye job, a fast, red convertible with a blonde babe named Bambi on his arm.

Not so fast. What I’ve learned is that midlife crisis (MLC) is a crisis of real and utterly immense proportions. This is not just about a man acting badly, although there is a component of that. This is about a man who is hurting, who is lost, trying to find himself. A man who until a few years ago was everything I had ever dreamed of in a perfect husband.

Yes, I said years. Because midlife crisis takes years to navigate, and looking back, the signs were there. I never saw them, and the ones that I did, I did not recognize. There were subtle signs of withdrawal that I at first wrote off and then tried to get out of my husband, but he couldn’t share. He didn’t know what was wrong himself.

Until “bomb drop.” At bomb drop, he suddenly realized what was wrong in his life, and it was me. All me, all the time, I was the reason for his fears, for his pain, for his sense of low self worth, for his lack of achievement in this world, and his lack of love.

You see, not only is a midlife crisis a personal crisis of self, it is a painful crisis of family and marital bond. And if not all men, then the majority of men blame their spouses for their ills. I’ll write more about that later. For now, let’s just leave it at that. I’m the reason his life stinks. Plain and simple.

Only, dear reader, I’m not.

In case you were unaware of this fact, I’ll fill you in on a little secret. Blame must be accepted in order for it to be passed to another. As soon as he tried to pass the blame to me, I knew that something was wrong here. Very, very wrong. And I began to research. And learn. And come to a place of strength, knowledge and power.

This blog will share my trials and tribulations as I navigate this crisis from my side. And hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to share with you the crisis from his side.

And in case you are wondering, there is no young, sweet thing on his arm. His affair is a 43 year old woman – the same age as him… she is also going through her own crisis. I pray for them, for their healing, for their clarity – and ultimately, that she’ll leave my husband the heck alone and move back home to her own husband.